The Hostess with the mostest?... That can't be right

I said goodbye this week to someone I've known for a long time - not someone I like to talk about, not someone I am proud to talk about, but someone who has reared her ugly head for as long as i can remember: the horrible hostess.

Oh man, i can tell already that writing this post is going to be cringe-inducing, but I need to do it. It is neither new nor shocking that I have always been one who sticks to her "routine." I can't tell you how much I hate that word, but it's pretty accurate, although sometimes "regime" or "boot camp" are more appropriate. And while it's fine to be a creature of habit, and even praiseworthy to get into a rhythm that involves healthy activities, it is a whole other ball game when you get so locked into your routine that you find yourself sinking so far down into that incredibly comfy chair and it's nearly impossible to get up without making some sort of a spectacle of yourself.

I have defended my routine for ages. Yes, ages. I can remember skipping out on rob or ian's soccer games because I wanted to stay home and do my jane fonda tape. I know, I sound like Sally Field in Steel Magnolias, but it's true. I would go to great lengths to protect the things that kept me in my comfort zone. And you might think, "Well hell, maybe it was cold outside and you didn't feel like standing in the wind watching little boys play soccer as a teenager. Nothing wrong with that." No, there is not. but what about skipping out on family vacations? Oh wait, there's more.

• Passing up going to Japan with Rob and Mom after dad died. (even when mom said, "christa, they eat veggies and rice, you'll be fine", i thought "yeah, but they probably don't have step class. how can I go two weeks without step class?)
• Not going on tour with the Tigerlilies because tour is the epitome of the un-comfort zone- sleeping bags, fast food, living in a van during the day, just to sing a 20 minute set at night. What a hypocrite, right? Sure I love to sing, but not if I have to endure all that.
• Missin my 10 year high school reunion because I knew it would stress me out so much and I would be thrown into eating and housing situations that would strain the entire weekend and make the re-entry (aka punishment once I got back home) unbearable.
• Staying home while my family went to Lake of the Ozarks to meet up with aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents... The sad part is, I actually love lake of the ozarks as a vacation spot, but I knew that my aunt was into greasy southern style cooking and I didn't know how to get around that without being awkward. Now I realize that they wouldn't have cared and I should've just gone to be with them. But the stress of even thinking about it was too much for me at 17,18 years old. And while my family would express disappointment and beg me to come, the older I got, the more fleeting their arguments became. This was just the way it was, and I was proud of my stick-to-it-iveness, and anybody who said differently was just jealous that they didn't have my will power. Sickening, really. It was so the opposite of will power, and I had no idea.

Now, it's one thing to opt out of vacations or not go somewhere. I always justified it as, "Ok, they say they miss me, but I'm sure they're having a great time. They still get to go on vacation. I'm not taking anyone else's away. I'm just choosing not to go." It morphed into an even worse behavior after I graduated from high school.

Freshman year, my mom came to visit me for my first Tigerlilies concert. I was beyond thrilled to get to close the show, and told my mom on the phone, "Mom, the fact that they gave the closing song to a Freshman- i can't believe it. you have to be here!" She, of course, was on a plane, and spent a full day flying from Portland to brave the NJ snow and watch her daughter sing. And what did I do when she arrived at my dorm room? Panic. I didn't know what to do, what to show her, what she expected. I was AWFUL. I wanted to go work out but knew I couldn't just leave her in my room. I knew I needed to take her on another tour of the campus, but it was snowing. I felt trapped in this tiny single dorm room, and I didn't know how to bring my mom into that world. She called me on it that day. she was so saddened by how clear I was making it that I didn't want her there. I tried to explain that of course i wanted her there, that at times I was so homesick for her I'd cry. But i was unable to express any of that.

It happened again when she came for graduation, only that time it was the whole family. I think they chalked it up to me wanting to spend my last few days with my friends, but I truly didn't know how to bring the two worlds together. I didn't know how to function in "my" world without my normal routine, and I certainly didn't know how to combine the routine with guests, be it fam or friends.

When i bought my first house, years later in Beaverton, mom was so proud, and if I'm being honest, which I am, so was I. I had always pictured buying my first home as part of a couple. I had never envisioned being a single working woman. That seemed so lonely. Yet, I was doing it, and I had what I think was a beautiful first home. It was a cute little 3 story townhome, right off the light rail line- easy access to downtown portland, big bright windows, a nice open kitchen. And how many times did I invite people over? Never. This compulsive routine only got worse and instead of buying furniture I bought a treadmill. Instead of arranging my living room for potential company, I put an elliptical machine right in front of the TV. I kept my blinds closed and kept to myself pretty much. And when my bros would ask to stay with me, I'd actually say, "are you sure you dont' want to stay with mom? i mean, she's always got a stocked fridge and guest rooms that are actually guest-friendly." And yes, I was totally embarrassed. I would even cry in front of them and apologize that I just couldn't host. I wanted to be the type of person that had a welcome home and was always ready for company, but I so wasn't. Instead I was the nasty sister who sent her bro's to the next neighborhood to stay with mom. Oh, and one time when I was staying at mom's too (this was before my house was ready), I got so mad at Ian when he came home with a group of his friends and I felt totally caught off guard. I didn't even like to eat in front of people and mom's house was small and i didn't have anywhere to hang out really and oh my god i still am mortified at my behavior. I have apologized to Ian over this for years. Literally. He has forgiven me, and he actually told me once when the two of us took a trip where I was once again a total disaster, "Christy, the reason why I am the only one able to travel with you is because I'm the one who has figured out that once you get the things you need to make you comfortable, you're fine. It's only until that point that you're not so fun to be around." Yeah, that's putting it mildly.

Ok, this is getting really long, but now that I'm going, I can't stop mid-braindump.
Living in KS is interesting because I live with the world's best host. He can whip up apps like nobody's business, he keeps a warm, clean home, he actually enjoys buying nice things like furniture and dishes and wine glasses, and he goes out of his way to set a nice scene and make guests comfortable. And he does it effortlessly. It's not for show, it's just in him. He's the guy that can say to his friends, "Why doesn't everybody come over to my place?" because he knows he's got wine ready to pop, drinks ready to serve, and something in his pantry and fridge that can become deliciousness in 30 minutes or less. i don't have that gene. at all. But you get that. And other people have come to accept it, too. When my mom comes to KC, she doesn't even stay with me. Isn't that awful? she just knows that we'll both have a better time if she stays with her best friends from when she lived here, and we'll meet up after I've gotten all my stuff done.

So with the exception of my college friends, who enjoy working out with me when they come to visit, I've never been able to host well.

And then... a bombshell. ok, not a bombshell, but then... Kirk. When he's here, I want him to be here. I want to eat with him and hang out with him, and best of all, he WANTS me to do my things. He encourages me to go to yoga because he knows I'll feel better afterwards. And I love coming back from class all sweaty and finding him in his "writing corner" of my room- his makeshift office, where he has been writing for the past couple hours. For the first time in my life, I want someone else to be in it. And not just in it peripherally, but really truly immersed in it. It takes my breath away every time I think about it. The place where I find myself today is the most beautiful unchartered territory. not only has my routine changed into something that doesn't take over my life (i've gone from getting up at 3am to ensure I get 20 miles a day in to sleeping 7- 8 hours a night and doing 3 miles or so). A little yoga, a little weights- it all feels good. And i mean that- it feels GOOD to work out now. Not like I have to, and not like i'm a slave to the gym. I may go for a half hour and that's enough now. And the amazing thing, i haven't really gained that much weight. i'm eating better than ever and honestly it's without having to try.

I feel like I've become more the person that I never EVER thought I could be. And on top of that, I met the person that everybody but me said was out there. I didn't think i would find anyone that could put up with all my craziness and quirks. But he found me, that's for sure. And I'm such a better person for it. i would say I'm the best version of myself that I've ever felt. And I can't wait until Kirk and I are hosting some phat dinner parties with kickin' mixes in the background. Sure it might be pizza and Coke Zero, but it will be fun, because that's us. I'm ready for guests, ready for more travel, ready for so much more and I honest to god never thought i would be.

I know it sounds corny, but I am saying goodbye to this weird, embarrassing part of myself. It's something that helped protect me for so many years, but it's no longer needed. It's almost a little bit emotional, but it's so necessary. No more horrible hostess, no more married to my routine. It's not even something I am saying I WILL do in the future, it's something that has already happened. And in doing so, I've made room for so many wonderful things to come in. Wonderful, 6'7, improv-loving things.
Thank. God.

As if she wasn't already my hero

My mom is the best, and that feeling never diminishes. But this week I was reminded of just exactly why she is my hero.

When I got her voicemail Monday afternoon, I could tell something was wrong. it wasn't a panicked call, but she sounded off, down, not her upbeat self.

I called her back and she was on her way home from work, where she had just been laid off.

I'm not writing this to tell my mom's story, or explain how or why it happened. I think the fact that her boss was sobbing when she had to tell my mom, combined with the current state of our economy, is evidence that this had nothing to do with mom's skills or performance. I'm writing this to explain how in awe I am of her reaction. Even though she was sad, she had such amazing perspective.

This is a woman who, when she started with this company 10 plus years ago, had no college degree and no work experience. She had just lost her husband, who left her with very little life insurance, and 3 kids to get through college. She worked her way from Secretary Number 3 to Real Estate Property Manager, flying to India and Hong Kong regularly, managing global projects requiring her to take calls at all hours of the day (and night).

She looked at this as something sad, yes, but not defeating. She kept saying, "We've been through so much worse, right? Maybe it's a blessing in disguise." She also said she was going to take the time this holiday season, now that she doesn't have to work, to help out some very close family friends. They run a postal business and the holidays are obviously their busiest season. The husband is dying of cancer and they have been through more than their fair share of tough times recently. Mom felt like she could work for them for free so that they could spend time together without having to worry about the business.

I almost cried. She is the most selfless woman I know.

I cannot wait to spend time with her in a few short weeks. I know that the best is still yet to come for her. She has so much more to give, so many stories to write.

She's the rock of this fam, more of a role model than she realizes, and my god she is my hero.

Our Future...

Yesterday was one of those days that will be talked about for the rest of our lives. Just as I remember our elementary school principal coming on the PA to tell us the Challenger had exploded, or watching the Berlin wall come down on TV in November 1989, or walking into work on September 11, 2001 to my boss saying, "Christy, come look at this, A plane just flew into the world trade center," I will always remember where I was the day that the world shifted.

Let me start by saying that last night was more than watching your "team" win. It wasn't a Red Sox defeat over those Damn Yankees. It wasn't a "ha- in your face!" feeling for McCain followers. In fact, my best friend, and some of my closest family members were huge McCain supporters, and when I watched the Senator deliver what was an impressively gracious speech, I was moved to tears. I turned to Kirk and said, "Why am I so sad?" He scratched my back as we continued to watch and said, "It is sad, baby. It's always sad when somebody loses. And somebody has to lose." And I thought about how much he had given to the country and how much those people that I love wanted him to win and I found myself feeling sad for them because "their guy" lost.

And then we watched as our new President Elect took the stage. Granted, Kirk has been in politics for so long that he doesn't get swept up by the emotion of it all. But we both got something unique out of watchign it. He saw a man acknolwedging the gravity of the situation he is enterting, the country he is "inheriting" and the massive task ahead of him. I saw a man that, as corny as it sounds, and as overused as it is right now, gave me so much hope about so many things.

This is going to be our child's first president, and we got to be in the city when he took the stage (though we were not able to get tickets to see it live, but that's another story. Watching it at home and hearing the shouts and fireworks on the street was just as exciting.

There are so many uncertainties ahead, and so many things that scare me, and so many things I still want to do and above all soooo many dreams I've yet to fulfill. Last night I felt it- I felt how possible they are. Just as there is a man who came onto the political scene two years ago and inspired an entire nation, there is a man who came onto my scene two years ago and completely changed my life. I love you, Kirk.

And now, a little less seriousness, a little more stories with pictures. here's what I like to call, a montage of election day fun:

Our first polling location. I stood on a ledge so I'd be closer to his height. God, I love being the short one in the relationship.

I think Kirk's co-worker John from Peru, who accompanied us the entire day, said it best when he said, "What are Walg Nuts? In my country, we don't have."

"We don't have them in our country either, John."

We made a pit stop at "The Twisted Cow" for a smoothie...and a quickpic of Kirk, his friend the crow and the cow stools. Ahhhh, gotta love the midwest.

Supplies- LOTS of diet soda

The 'bama bus

Meanwhile, back at Campaign Headquarters, volunteers were making their final calls to make sure all those democracts that said they would vote were actually getting to the polls.















































We did get to see some pretty amazing parts of Lake County.

I also let kirk take the camera at one point. The "do I need to show you how to work the camera" face is because I thought he was accidentally taking a video.

But he was not.

There were also LOTS of 80s tunes on our rental car Satellite radio. Here's Kirk's mean air guitar (not while driving, of course).

We practiced our KMCM Radio talk show on John, who either was laughing politely with us or understoor English a lot more than he let on and was laughing at us.

Either way, we do a stunning rendition of Journey's separate ways. Call me crazy, but I see some pretty fantastic road trips in

our future...

Finally

I've been waiting for this day for a while. I think the whole country has, probably. Today is the day we can all breathe a sigh of relief. And I can feel it in the air- no matter what happens, today is a pretty historic day. I'm thrilled to get to spend it with Kirk, volunteering at the polls. Of course, this is old hat to him, but it's my first election experience. We get to hand out palm cards, be on "lunch detail" for the candidates, and drive around in an RV plastered with all the democratic candidates. I'm envisioning Kirk on a blowhorn at some point today.

I know I sound like a poser, and I've NEVER been into politics. but i actually care about what happens today. And I'm excited that I get to play a small part in it.

And when today is over, no matter what, campaign season will be over for Kirk, conference season is over for me, we can both breathe a sigh of relief and start planning our next adventure.

here's to unwritten chapters, baby. Now let's go get some democrats elected...

A little plug for Zack & Miri

kirk and I saw this last night and almost couldn't breathe we were laughing so hard. Craig Robinson (who plays Darryl the Warehouse Worker on The Office) nearly steals the entire movie.

It is, in my opinion, Kevin Smith's best movie (hmmmm, and Ben Affleck auspiciously absent in this one, how about that? ) if you can get past the title, run, don't walk, to see this hardcore comedy gem.

It's fun to stay at the...

YMCA

With the REAL Village People, no less.

They were SO funny. They did all their songs: In the Navy, Macho Man... and closed with YMCA of course. But they pleaded with the audience beforehand to stop doing this "Monkeycrap M on top of the head deal" They showed us all how to do the M properly and said, "Do us a favor, at your next bar mitzvah, wedding- just pass it on. Let 'em know. We'd appreciate it."

Just like last year, G and I spent the entire party hanging out. but UNLIKE last year, we did not dance in the pool. It was pretty funny though, we made it up to the top level, (because G had VIP tix and let me have one) and got to step away from all of our work colleagues for a bit. We could watch the concert from above, get some food in our stomachs, lounge, and stick our feet in the pool. Just what we both needed.

When we thanked the guy who gave us the passes, one of her clients, he said, "You know, I was telling people that last year this party was a lot more exciting. There were these two girls dancing and running around the pool and it was the hit of the night." He didn't believe us when we said "That was us." He said, "YOU TWO? You've been drinking water and sitting down all night. That was YOU?" And he really couldn't believe it when i told him that we had only known each other for about two or three days when that happened last year.

Happy "anniversary", G. Here's to many more years of friendship.

I love how the height difference comes into play in our self portraits. G's are always a bit lower. ;)

Love you, G.

And this, my friends, is why I never played sports

I can't come up with a caption for this picture...

...except for "Ohhhhhh!"

I don't want to brag but playing my colleauge Conor in Wii tennis seemed to bring out a hidden talent and killer serve.

Kirk, guess what. We're getting a Wii

Who are the people in your neighborhood?

Remember that great Sesame Street song that explained diferent occupations? Oh the Fireman is a person in your neighborhood..... I don't think they made a verse for my job. Oh the Data Management Contest Communications and User Group Strategist is a person in your neighborhood....

Kirk has asked me exactly what I do at these conferences. When i work the expo, what does that mean? when I spend a week at a conference, what's my "job?" I feel like this could best be told with pictures:













Talking to the User Group board members at the expo















Talking to one half of the nicest press duo I know













Watching my boss perform MC ceremonies (doesn't it look like he's crooning some torch song?)




















Hugging my favorite Bostonian and User group Pres. (with my heels off and him on a chair)

And being talked into the stamped forehead as a means of advertising. By the time I heard my 100th "Did you know you have something on your forehead?" I switched my response to a deadpan, "What?"

Happy Birthday, Dad

Today he would've turned 55.

I know i've posted this picture before, and definitely on his birthday before, but i'm posting it again because it was taken on the last bday I shared with him: #43.

I was Sappy Joe today walking by the Bellagio fountains during my early mornign walk in Vegas (here for work, whole other story, more to come on that later), when I caught the fountain show just as it was starting to Celine Dion's finest: My heart will go on. Oh boy. I think i was the only one standing there crying at fountains. But i couldn't help it. That movie came out right after he died and we all went to see it as a fam because mom said it would be cathartic. Momah's always right. it's 11 years later and I"m still crying whenever that song plays.

I miss you, Dad. Thanks for being around, cuz I still feel you, and see you and hear you, every day.

Viva Las Vegas

I'm sure this is what most people are doing on a Friday night in Vegas, right? Yup, another trip, another hotel room.

But there were some good parts of the day. I got to see my girl G for the first time in a long time. She drove us to the airport and it was really good to catch up during the flight. She looked SO good and i asked her a million questions about her workout routine and what she was eating, etc. I am really excited to try some of her tips when this conference is over. And they're not really anything that i didn't already know, but I guess I'm just ready, finally, to give up the excessive cardio sessions and switch to something that makes a bit more sense. I feel like i have a clean slate upon which I can create something totally new that does not involve spending way too much time in a gym. I told Bill this morning that I haven't gone to yoga in over a month. Yes, me: Christyogini! In an ironic twist, since my absence from the homefront, he has been working out three times a week and dropped some significant poundage.


When we arrived in Vegas, we decided to take a walk before we risked the chance of being sucked in by the Venus FlyLaptops. She charted her 2.5 mile route to GNC to pick up some protein bars and vitamins. I charted out the 3 mile walk to Kinko's to pick up my posters and bookmarks for the conference. However, I left out a crucial component: I neglected to notice which direction to walk and that mine was in the opposite direction of GNC. What a doofus.

We caught a cab at the end of the strip and made a new friend with John the cab driver. We lsited all of the places we had to go, "kinko's, New York New York, then back to Mandalay unless Kinko's is closed (I ordered materials from the ONE Kinko's that is not 24 hours), in which case I'll need to go to the 24 Hour Kinko's on Paradise Blvd....." It was like that scene from When harry met sally when she orders apple pie in the most complicated way.

At one point, when G and I were going over out to do lists for the week, we embarrassed ourselves by having the following dialogue,
C: Man, I hope this collateral is ready at Kinko's.
G: Oh! Speaking of collateral, I need to call JK and see if he has my slides for the deck.
C: Which deck?
G: For the CAC.
C: Can he Sametime them to you?
G: Yeah, I'll ping him later.

At this point, I leaned forward and said to John, "Is this the lamest conversation you've ever heard two girls have in the back of a cab on a Friday in Vegas?" Turns out, he actually appreciated the change of pace.

On the way back from Kinko's, we passed a Whole Foods, and I heard the angels sing. I asked John if he could add that to our list of stops along this new three hour tour and he said, "you're going grocery shopping?" to which I responded, "no. I just want to run in and grab some dinner, "Oh, this is perfect. My girlfriend asked me to pick up some food. So, what kind of stuff do they have?"

"Ohhhhh, John. Have you NEVER experienced Whole Foods?"

"No, I thought it was just some overpriced organic grocery store."

"Well it is, but it can be so much more. It can also be an overpriced organic prepared food store"

I suggested that he park the cab and come inside and let me introduce him to the mecca. He was overwhelmed once inside, and I told him most people are on their first time. I said, "You might want to take a lap before you commit. There are so many stations, so many options."

by the time we got back to Whole Foods, it was my most expensive cab ride ever, but it was SO worth it.

I'm in for a long week, but sitting on my bed in my hotel room, watching Ocean's 11 while eating a delish salad? I may be high maintenance, but I know what it takes to keep myself sane at these mega-conferences.

Hopefully more and better pictures to come, when i take my camera, and not my cell phone, along for the walk down the strip.

This One's for Shelb and Bill

I was thinking about this on the way back from Starbucks this morning. i've slowly been introducing Kirk to some of my favorite things, like cappucinos, and Clif bars, and Clorox Handi-wipes, but last weekend, I introduced him to one of my favorite activities. We were at the movie theater and I spotted it immediately: arcade-style DDR. (Dance, Dance Revoluation).

He has heard about my love of the Dance, and I've told many a tale of hours spent with Bill mastering Ashley Tisdale's "He Said She said" on Advanced level. But he had never had the pleasure of experiencing it firsthand. I can't really bring the game to his house because a) he has hardwood floors, so the mats would slide all over the place, and b) he's on the second floor and his downstairs neighbor has already come up once to ask us to keep the music down. i don't think she would enjoy us pounding on the floor above her as she tries to study. (For the record, we weren't even playing the music that loudly and she's very uptight AND their dog bit Kirk and drew blood).

I put in the quarters, but we only had enough for one player so he took his place at the center of the grid. I knew he was in trouble when he said, "Hey, my feet are too big, they don't fit on this square. How do they expect my feet to fit on this square?"

The rest of the 10 seconds went something like this:

Christy: Kirk, go, follow the arrows.

Kirk: How can I follo the arrows? They keep moving.

Christy: I know they're moving. You step on the arrow when it hits the top.

Kirk: When it hits the top? The top of what?

(Keep in mind this whole time, he's standing still, not moving his feet as all)

Christy: The top of the screen.

Kirk: If I'm supposed to be looking at the top of the screen, why do they distract me with arrows all over the place? I don't know what to do.

Christy: Well do something, you're not getting any arrows.

Kirk: i mean, i could, but look at this, (looking down) check this out: do you see how my feet are too big?

Christy: yes, mine are too. It's a game for teenagers, but you can still move your feet. Go, go, go!

Kirk: move my feet? Move them where? This game doesn't even make any sense. How can you be expected to hit the arrow when they're all over the screen? They're moving all over the place. How do I know which one to hit?

Annoying Game Voice: [FAILED]. Awwwww, you couldn't make it. Game Over

Kirk: That's it? You get ten seconds? How is this game fun? It's not like the demo they show on the screen. That's false advertising. I mean, if they had run it like the demo, I could've done it.

Christy: yes, i'm sure you could've.

Kirk: No, i mean, the arrows were'nt following a rhythm, I was waiting for a beat or some instructions. i didn't know I was supposed to start.

Christy: and me yelling "Move your feet! Do something" certainly wasn't a hint.

Kirk: Well i had you saying one thing and the game saying something else....

...

Bill, you best be breaking out the mats for Kirk's visit. We're gonna need to show him how it's done.